Tag Archives: brain tumor

The Last Six Weeks In Review – Fighting Cancer – Standing In Faith

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This morning I received a very sweet email from a friend and regular visitor of my blog. It served as a reminder that I have not been active on this blog in several weeks. Yes, I have had ample reasons, and quite honestly, I just haven’t felt up to writing as much as I had. With renewed strength, I am here.

As I have mentioned previously, we found out in April that my daughter had a brain tumor. In a long drawn out process that is not yet over, we have come to find out that the tumor was a high grade polyphenotypic malignant (cancerous) brain tumor. It is still apparently one of a kind, and doesn’t have a definitive diagnosis – yet! They are currently doing full genome sequencing to get to the DNA of it and discover more about the cell(s) of origin, etc…as that has continued to baffle her medical team and extended network of medical professionals. This thing is unique, aggressive and quite annoying. However, we’re not giving up OR losing hope. We have created both Caringbridge and a praying Facebook page for her. If you are interested in links to either, please comment below or send me a message via the contact me page.

These last weeks have been some of the most difficult of my life. Never in a billion years did I ever imagine I’d be walking a road and journey that included the words aggressive cancer – let alone with my four year old little girl. Many things have transpired, medically speaking, and it’s just all been exhausting – physically and mentally. We’re nearing the end of a six week (every weekday) radiation treatment with her, and then will have a few weeks off, only to start an aggressive chemo treatment for many months. As I have pondered all of this, I have done much soul searching, heart-checking, and digging deeper in and with my faith.

You see, it is my faith that has, in large part, sustained me through this process. I will admit though – my faith has had some rocky moments lately. It hasn’t been shaken to a point of falling, but I have had ample opportunity to question many things. Never once have I blamed God. Never once have I been mad at God, per se. I say it like that, because I have found myself mad just kind of at the world. A four year old should not have to fight for her life. Period. At one point, though, I realized that it’s actually healthy to question things. I felt almost guilty and like I lacked faith because I was frustrated basically. Not frustrated with God, but with the entire situation.

I’m going to be brutally honest here. I found myself asking some scary questions – as it pertains to faith. When I put my daughters situation in a little bubble, and thought of it alone (instead of everything else in my life) I found myself wondering why I even bother praying…why I even bother having a relationship with God when it changes nothing. My thought process took me to the line of reasoning (or rather lack thereof) that my prayers and my relationship with Him meant nothing – that, int he great scheme of things, the situation was still going on, she was still fighting cancer, and there was still all this stuff going on – even if I do pray. But, let me explain what point this all brought me to.

First, God doesn’t NEED me to be faithful. He is faithful, 100% of the time. His idea and mine aren’t always the same, but it doesn’t mean His plan isn’t already in action. Back to me. No, He doesn’t NEED me – however, He does DESIRE me. Just as I am a child of God, His precious daughter – I was reminded — my daughter is also. For reasons that still remain unclear, she is dealing with this. We are all walking through this journey. No, it is not a path anyone would choose for themselves, but here we are. But, what I have found is that my prayers, and my continuous seeking Him is not only important, but it is vital. Again – No, God doesn’t NEED my prayers to accomplish His mission. However, I do. I need the strength that comes from Him, and Him alone.

Even through all my soul searching, I have not walked away from God. In fact, even through the questions, I have opened my heart and allowed Him to shine. People continuously ask how I’m so strong, etc. In my own strength, I’m clearly not strong. In Him, His grace sustains me. His love is poured out in so many different ways – in large part through the people he has blessed me by having as a part of my life. It is with such heartfelt gratitude that I say thank you to God – then to each and every person in our lives right now who are allowing us to see His love. The gratitude we have for the love, support and encouragement we’ve gotten during this cannot be quantified with words. Like I said from the very beginning, this is not a road I wanted to walk alone — and I don’t have to. We are sincerely grateful for that.

So, while times have been tough to comprehend, walk through, or stand in faith on — I am still here, standing on faith and knowing that God’s got this whole entire situation. Even if things don’t go as we hope or plan, I STILL Know God is in control. I rest in the knowledge that He is still God, He is still good, and He IS in control…even when we don’t like or understand it.

Thank you to each and every one of you who support us in any way, shape or form. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus. It is through all of you that I smile and have my faith continuously renewed.

Faith In The Struggle

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Your faith will be illuminated, especially in the midst of a struggle. No matter what the situation – good or bad, whatever faith you propose to have — it is that faith that people will see. How you respond in the struggle will be a true test of what level of faith and trust you have in the Maker of all of creation.

My life recently has been turned upside down. I am struggling in a way that I don’t even always understand. As I find myself walking down this new path that I certainly didn’t ask for, I do find my faith being strengthened. I don’t understand what all is happening, but I love a God larger than life. Regardless of the struggle, He is faithful. He is good, and that is never changing.

Does that mean I like where I am, or what’s going on? Not at all. Am I grateful that God is able to use even this for a greater purpose? Yes, that I can answer yes to.

What is my struggle, you may be wondering? Let me share…

We found out two weeks ago today that my four year old daughter had a brain tumor. Talk about unexpected. There was the thought that she had a viral illness, and nothing more. Certainly not this. She underwent surgery to remove it a week and a half ago. The surgery was successful, and it appears that they got it all. That is the really good news. The fact that it’s aggressive and rapidly spreading – not so much. So, even though they got it all, it’s quite likely that she’ll have to go through chemo and/or radiation as well.

I wrote the following few thoughts four days after she was admitted at the hospital:

It’s really a hard thing sometimes – maintaining faith in the middle of some unimaginable emotions and situations. I have faith in a God larger than life. He created my little girl, and He knows her – from the inside out. He knows exactly what she needs, and how to take care of her. No matter what she (or any of us) goes through, He gets it. His love for her is strong, and never failing.

I know I sound like I’m preaching – and I guess to a point, I am. My thought pattern is this – regardless of what’s going on in that little body of hers, God is still in control. I don’t have to understand or even like what’s going on, but He is definitely in control. He is holding her safely in the palm of His hand.

My faith is strong, and I pray will remain unshaken. I hope that I can continue to see this through the lens of faith, and perspective of His amazing love.

Faith in the struggle. Struggle allows you too realize that things don’t always go as planned. In the midst of a struggle, though, it is okay for things to not always be okay. The key when things aren’t going as planned is to just know with certainty that God’s got this… Yes, even this.

As you can imagine, things are very tough right now. It’s odd, because it’s almost as if my heart is simultaneously broken and filled with hope, all in one. What I can say is this though. God is still good, and that fact remains. Please know how much we value your friendship, support, encouragement and especially – your prayers. Grateful beyond words.