If you’ve been around me for any real length of time, you’ve quite likely heard me talk about hope. I cannot count the times I’ve said that hope is real, or even that hope is still real. In certain things, and with some circumstances, I can still get behind that.

Right now, though, I cannot find mine. When hope feels like it’s on an extended vacation, I feel fairly lost and somewhat confused even. I have hope for some things, but fail to find it in places where it really matters. Take for instance this…I have lost hope that life will ever be okay again, let alone good. I legitimately can’t find the hope to believe that right now. And it scares me.

Just have faith.

If you’re tempted to share those three words with me, then go for it. But, right now, that’s another topic that I’m struggling with. I am overwhelmed, and I have no idea, right now, what exactly all I believe. No, no, I haven’t lost my faith. But, I haven’t found it either. I have the faith I’ve always had, but with lots more questions. I fear that many of the things I once held dear, really aren’t. I listened to a pretty incredible message this past weekend (more on that when I have the strength and wherewithal to finish that post) but I don’t know how to hold onto that message – it was one of joy, grace and hope. But, while they were great words, they’re gone – seemingly more than 500 miles away like the pastor of that little church now is. In another state, far away.

As you can tell, there is pain hidden (and not so hidden) in my words. I’ve mentioned before the removal of masks. I want to know others, and be known. I want to share my heart, and know that I’m heard. I long for the things others do – to love, and to be loved. I do have that. But, I also feel empty right now. I know, not all that much of a faith filled response. I get that. But, I’m also done hiding my thoughts and feelings. So, here they are. My heart in a post.

For those of you who have followed this blog for any length of time, or who know me at all – you probably also know I stand against the stigma revolving around mental health, mental illness and suicide. I mention those because they are struggles I face everyday. I struggle to hold onto my mental health while wrestling with mental illness…and fending off thoughts of suicide. Yes, I have those thoughts. Not, thoughts that I want to take my life though. Thoughts that I wish I weren’t here, or living through hell on earth. But, I am, and I will. I won’t lie – I have no idea, some days, how to keep doing this thing called life with a certain lack of hope. But, I will do what I know to do. Place one foot in front of the other. Taking one step, then the next. I’ll do those things, but right now, everything feels kinda empty. And, I don’t like that.

If you are the kind who believes in the power of prayer, I invite you to pray for me. Feel free to tell me you’re praying. Feel free to ask how I am. But, don’t believe me if I tell you I am good. Cause I’m not. Will I be again? I don’t know – I guess only time will tell. But, I can’t find the hope that reminds me of that. So, if you DO have that hope. and if you do pray – maybe you can believe it for me, during the times I seemingly can’t.