When Days Turn To Years – Reopening my blog


I am reopening my blog. This space has always existed at the intersection of faith and reality – no matter how good or how difficult the situation. This blog has never been super organized in it’s entirety. I am not going to start now either. I am not going to sit here and tell you that I will do some arbitrary number of posts every day, week or month. What I will say is that I hope I am able to share more content as life and my mental health allow.

For those of you who wonder why it has been so long – or where I have been these past few years, I’ll do a bit of a recap.

After my daughter died in 2016, I had to learn what a “new normal” looked like. If this isn’t a term you’ve had the privilege of being told that what is to happen next will start to feel like your new normal – then you have likely never walked through trauma so intense you have no idea how to keep going. Trust me when I tell you this is a good thing. I digress.

After my little girl took her final breaths this side of Heaven, I didn’t have a clue how I would continue doing simple things like breathing. I found that it was almost as if I had to learn to breathe, to move, to walk again. I had to learn that I was more than a cancer fighters mom. From there, I barely had time to learn to not drown before more loss would take my breath away. This time, my older brother passed away at the age of 40. His death nearly destroyed me. Roughly six months later, my cousin passed away after fighting heart cancer. The next summer, my lifelong best friend passed away, also at the age of 40. ( Side note, I was a little scared of turning 40 for a little while. A fear I didn’t really tell too many about. It was real nonetheless.) Many of my daughters childhood cancer fighting friends would also finish their cancer fights this side of Heaven. I have lost more than one dear friend from online. I have lost military brothers and sisters to alcohol, addiction and/or suicide deaths. Somewhere along the way (in the unforgettable year 2020) we all experienced the global pandemic, Covid 19.

No matter how you slice it, I found myself perpetually surrounded with pain, loss and illness. Not a fun variety. Just as anyone else, I have learned to do the best I can with what I have. But, it doesn’t stop there. It can’t. It has become paramount for me to remember to be able to shift perspective at any given time. Take my daughter as an example. She is no longer physically with us here on Earth. I miss her terribly, every single day. That said, there is a difference in learning to celebrate her actual life rather than simply mourning her death. Both are present, and both must happen. However, if I cannot remember that shift in perspective, I cannot enjoy or remember her life with smiles instead of stinging painful tears. It’s the difference in being able to proclaim that my daughter lived, not just died!

My hope is that you cannot understand the complexity of these kind of emotions. However, if you happen to be able to identify with them (for any reason, at any time) then know that you are most definitely not alone. You matter, just as we all do. Take time today to look in the mirror and remember that you truly matter – and realize that (as long as you are able to read words such as these, then you are also not alone. I encourage you to reach out. If you are curious, ask questions. You are worth the answers. If you are sad today, take a moment to encourage someone in exactly the way you need. I promise, your mood will change. It has no choice.

So much of life is based on perception and, as I mentioned before – perspective. Perspective is everything. So, if you are struggling today (as I am) – then take time to do something that makes you smile. For me, connecting with the swirling thoughts in my head and getting them onto “paper” makes a difference. It doesn’t always, but today I remember that life happens when or if we just remember to open our eyes. I needed to actually ponder the times and places where I have felt connected with life. Alive. Living is more than just existing. It should be at least.

Take time today to make even tiny steps towards what it looks like to thrive, and not just survive. I don’t have the magic answers, but I can tell you that not giving up on yourself or your dreams is the answer. If you find that you have stopped dreaming, or maybe you were never allowed to start, then my encouragement would be to start. Dreams and goals can be difficult to achieve if you never define them. So, dream big, or dream small – but dream something. You are worth seeing that dream through!

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