Tag Archives: life goes on

Dec12

It’s Okay To Cry Sometimes

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***This post was written on December 12th, after a pretty disappointing day – but until today (December 14th) it has been kept private. It has been private because it’s pretty personal, and I just kept feeling like it wasn’t the time to post it. With respect to the school shooting this morning in Connecticut (see today’s blog post) – I am publishing this post below as public. The sentiments ring that much more true to me right now. It’s okay to cry.****
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It’s okay to have tears. It’s okay when they flow. God created our emotions, and they are not bad. Today, in fact, I had a really hard day. Truth be told, it’s really just a continuation of this ongoing saga of what all is going on in my body. I get to my awaited appointment, just to be told “we’re really sorry, but we need to reschedule your appointment.” Um, are you KIDDING me? With tears in my eyes, I just couldn’t believe it. Evidently the hospital here didn’t get the records to the place I was having my appointment – who, in turn, couldn’t continue with my appointment without them. So, another week. My appointment today was rescheduled for next week. And so this continues to be the appointment that will go on forever.

As I sat there at what should have been my appointment, I couldn’t convince the tears not to be present. As I thought more about it, I felt silly for the tears. Then, and ever-present truth was revealed to me. God created our emotions. He created the very tears we cry. I could write an entire series of blog posts on the various times tears and God’s response to them occurs in the Bible.

I’d like to take this one step further and encourage anyone taking the time to read. No matter what the day brings, no matter what you are facing, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to say that it’s not fair. It’s okay to not understand. And most importantly, it’s okay to not always be okay. There may be something in your life that you just cannot figure how you will get beyond. You may question if you’ll ever be able to pick up the pieces and move on. I’m here as living proof (not just as it relates to my current health issues) that life DOES go on. Sometimes, it will become necessary to take life one day at a time – sometimes even moment by moment. Even still, just know that it’s okay to have emotions. Tears aren’t always particularly fun, but they are necessary for healing sometimes.

Even if it’s just momentary, smile – knowing that your tears won’t last forever, and that it’s okay to cry sometimes.

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Nov14

Beyond A Diagnosis

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****I want to share this part of me with the world. This is something I have not ever shared openly – online or in person. However, the more and more I figure out how to accept myself as a child of the Most High God, I realize that this is something attached to a stigma, but not who I am. I am more. To those of you who know me in real life, and will find these things out for the first time, please understand I have had many reasons for keeping this to myself. Not many people – until today – know what I am about to share. It’s not a secret, nor is it anything I am ashamed of. My story is something I pray God can and will use to share His love and hope with the world. If you have ANY questions, please do not hesitate to ask. It is my desire that my transparency show you His love is real, and hope truly is real. I’m honored to walk through life with each of you. Please feel free to post below or to send me a message via my “contact me” page.****

The idea that I am worthy of grace simply because I’m alive seems sometimes foreign to me. Yet it’s what I’m coming to understand more and more each day. Inside me is a kid who was hurting, a teen who questioned too much, a young adult who explored and got lost, and ultimately a human being in need of grace and forgiveness.

My life has had good times, and bad times, and really bad times. The value of my life, to others and to God, never made sense to me. I wasn’t suicidal, but I also didn’t care if I lived or died.

One day, I realized the need for tangible help. I visited a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I did not like – nor want – this diagnosis. And yet, there it was. I learned to cling to it. It explained why things were how they were. It became who I was. I was told I would need medications forever. My life would never again be med-free. It quickly consumed me, and became what I saw when I looked at myself.

But, it wasn’t me. It was a diagnosis. A shoe size. A hair color. A condition. But not me.

I finally came to realize that no diagnosis would define me. It may be a part of who I am, but it is not all I am. God’s grace and love defines me more than a disorder ever will.

With the help of people who let me know I mattered, I was able to see hope – one day (or hour) at a time. And today, when it sometimes feels like my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces, I listen to the message and words of hope and I truly know that my life matters. God’s grace is sufficient to reach even me.

To anyone else who is hurting – please know that there IS hope. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever accept a lie and be labeled something you are not. You are important, and you matter. You are not a past. You are not a reputation. You are not a diagnosis.

You ARE a child of God.