Tag Archives: mourning

What My Broken Heart Wants You To Know This Mother’s Day

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As the mother of four children, I say Happy Mother’s Day. To those of you scratching your head, wondering if I can do math, let me explain.

I have four children. I have two boys who I’m incredibly proud of. Two boys with so much to offer the world. Two boys that keep me going. Then I have a little girl we never got to see take a breath this side of Heaven. Many don’t consider a baby lost during pregnancy to be a child. But, from the moment that little baby started growing inside me – from the moment that heart started beating, I was mama to her – even if we didn’t know her outside my body. I was no less a mother. Then I have a beautiful princess – now residing in Heaven. For those new to my blog, my 7 year old little girl fight brain cancer for three years before taking her final breath this side of Heaven in February, 2016. She’s not here, and I miss her like crazy.

I am eternally grateful for the kids I’ve been blessed with. Those here on earth, and those whose home is Heaven. There is, however, a hole in my heart that is impossible to fill with anything else. Ever. I am going to let my heart have a voice today. Let my heart share a few things.

As shattered as my heart is, it still loves. It still beats – though it often feels like I need to remind it to beat again some days. But, even though there is a love so passionate, there is a counterpart called pain. My heart hurts. It aches.

Let me talk to you a bit about what Mother’s Day is to me. This day is as excruciating as it is beautiful. There is nothing that denies the incredible love. That cannot be erased. But to deny the existence of a broken heart is just unfair.

Mother’s Day does make me think fondly on the gift that motherhood is. I’m blessed to be given the honor of being trusted with the title of Mama. It also, however, reminds me of the empty space that those residing in Heaven used to fill. Though I love them greatly, I ache at merely the thought of the rest of this lifetime without them. I try not to dwell on it, but it’s impossible not to. Especially with all the memories and life moments that surround me each and every day.

Focusing on the little girl who we had seven years of a well lived life with, this is what I need you to know.

I need you to remember her. Not just that, but I need you tell me. I like to hear people reminisce about happy memories with her. No amount of you talking about her will bring me pain. I will not miss her any more than I already do. You talking about her won’t remind me that she’s gone – it will remind me that you remember her life – that she lived — not just that she died.

Tell me you miss her. That you hurt too. Tell me you’ll never forget her. If you never actually knew her, that’s okay. Remind me she was real, and so very loved. She was and always will be loved.

I need you to also just know that I hurt. Please don’t try to fix me. No amount of reminding me how grateful I should be because I still have the boys will ever change the fact that my heart is shattered. Yes, there is strength in those reminders – but they don’t stay pain. It isn’t possible for you to take away my pain.

What can you do?

You can offer to just sit with me in the pain. Acknowledge that it’s okay to not always be okay – and just know that I might not be feeling very okay any given moment. I might be – but might not be. Just sit with me. Allow me to just BE. Allow me the freedom to feel. To feel whatever I feel in that moment. Sometimes I feel love, hope, compassion and grace – while other times I feel quite the opposite.

I should note that sitting with me doesn’t just mean physically. It means online. Offline. Wherever.

Take the time to talk to me. Ask how I’m doing – but care enough really listen. If I tell you flippantly that “I’m good” that might be the truth, or it may be me begging you to dig deeper. I may mean it when I say I’m fine, or I may just find that easier than explaining how much I hurt and watching you squirm – not knowing how to handle me.

Another thing I need you to hear.

I know that you don’t know what to say. Truth be told, I’m glad you don’t know the pain associated with losing a child. I don’t expect you to have the perfect thing to say. Note – there isn’t magical or perfect thing anyone can say. And that’s okay. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing. Just tell me you’re with me. Tell me you care. Just allow your presence to be a friend.

Oh, and I know I may step on toes here, and I promise that is not my intent. But you need to understand that no loss you know (a parent, grandparents, cats or dogs, birds or fish – even a child) will equate to mine. I don’t pretend that you don’t hurt – but it’s not the same. It can’t be. My pain is not worse than yours. It’s just different. To tell me that you know how I feel because your dog died simply doesn’t compute. Don’t get me wrong. I totally validate your pain and know it’s very real. I only stipulate it isn’t mine. It’s yours. You don’t get it, and I’m glad.

So, on this day, as all days – these are just a few things I want you to remember. But especially on Mother’s Day, remember that if I’m not full of joy – there are valid reasons and explanations. If I am okay, let’s celebrate that together cause it may not be that way long. But it may be. 

Just – you be you. I’ll be me. We can be broken together.

#RememberTheLove

Praying For Connecticut Shooting

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As there are more details, I will update this post. Right now, I’d like to make this post – lifting up the families of all those involved in an elementary school shooting this morning in Connecticut. Reading and watching news sources all over the country, there have so far been 27 confirmed dead, 18 20 of which are reported to be children. This is being noted as the worst school shooting in the history of our Nation. May God be with us.

I sit here in tears – with my heart breaking for all involved. Having children this age, I simply cannot imagine. All I want to do right now is grab them up, hug them, hold them and continue to pray. I’d like to ask you to join with me in prayer for this community, and all the nation that grieves with them.

As I browse any number of social media networks, there are numerous – too many to count – mentions of this shooting, accounts of the events unfolding, and broken hearts that accompany them. To see the love and compassion poured out from complete strangers all across the country. These lives have been touched and will never again be the same. May they see love from others, and may they know they are not alone during these dark hours.

My heart, thoughts and prayers are with all concerned – their community and also all those grieving alongside them as the healing process begins. May the God of all creation, with arms that hold the entire universe hold them today. I’m praying for their strength and comfort moving forward. Will you join me?

I’m editing this to add that I’d also like to urge you all to pray for the parents and family of the shooter(s) as well. It’s certainly not the same, but their pain is and will be real – and their lives, also, forever changed.

I’m editing this once again to add that evidently the shooter shot and killed his father, and his mother was a teacher at this school. From the reports I’m hearing, his mother was amongst the casualties inside the school. It’s being reported that this individual set out to take away the things his mother loved most…her family and her (school) kids. My heart breaks for anyone that broken hearted themselves. I simply cannot imagine. Standing in prayer with all concerned.

Now being edited to include the report that it’s been confirmed that at least 20 of the 27 deaths are children. Any life lost is precious. Somehow, as a parent, I cannot fathom losing a child…especially like this.

My final thought on this for now. Earlier today, I posted this on a friends Facebook wall – in response to an on-air broadcast I’d heard:

My heart breaks with these people during this dark hour in their lives. I just don’t get it – and I think that’s okay…cause I don’t want to be living the day when this becomes something we just come to understand – when it becomes just another day. May our hearts always grieve with those who are hurting.