Tag Archives: pediatric cancer

Sep12

With Childlike Faith – Fighting Childhood Cancer

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My daughter has such heart. She has a joy and just the positive spirit that she takes with her everywhere! This little girl has a smile that will light up any room. Her no-nonsense and innocent look at life is heartwarming beyond words. Children, especially those fighting big battles, just have a different perspective than anyone else alive does.

With all this said, I’d like to fill you in on some of the details of our recent history.

As you may have heard by now, our little Janet’s cancer is back, and things don’t look good in a lot of areas. First, I am going to share all that with you – then I am going to tell you were we stand on everything about to be mentioned.

We all knew that it was a possibility that her cancer could one day come back. No one, and I mean no one thought it would so soon. Dealing with a recurrent / metastatic cancer is not good. Learning that she will endure cranio spinal radiation for over a month (every weekday) is also not fun. The follow on treatment will be an outpatient chemo therapy regimen.

Let me explain her treatment plan. For four and a half weeks, Janet will undergo radiation therapy. This time, there will be mostly proton beam radiation, with “normal” radiation a few times. There are said to be normally more side effects with this because a different type of radiation, as well as a larger part of her being treated. The goal of hre radiation is to shrink and make disappear the tumors… also to preferably kill their opportunity to every even possibly return.

After radiation, the protocol is that she will go through an outpatient chemo therapy regimen. This will include daily (Monday through Friday) outpatient chemo. One week. Then, she’ll have approximately 2-3 weeks off, and then do the same thing again. Aside from that, every two weeks, she’ll have a one hour outpatient chemo administered – separate from the others. As I have learned, this chemo therapy regimen is more aimed as being palliative support, or a quality of life kind of thing – as versus curative.

If you’re like 99.99% of everyone else reading this, you may be wondering about alternative protocols or treatment options. You may have suggestions on where else we can seek treatment on behalf of our little Janet. I want you to know, we have gotten multiple second opinions – from the nations leading hospitals and have involved the nation (I’d say even the world’s) top medical minds in this situation, and in her care – simply because her tumor / cancer IS one of a kind. Nothing like it exists in the world. I spoke with another hospital again today, and heard the exact same news as all others have said – St. Louis Children’s Hospital has her with a protocol they’re comfortable with, would recommend themselves, and has state of the art equipment. There are other alternative therapies that we are also looking into, just to ensure we do all that we can to help our little princess do her best.

The entire point I am making is that we have faith and confidence in Janet’s medical team here at Children’s. Never did we doubt them. We sought second opinions just to ensure everyone was on the same page. We do NOT like the page everyone is on, but there is a certain amount of peace knowing that the medical minds agree – as to both what we’re looking at, as well as treatment options, etc.

Now, with all that said, I want you to know that we have not given up – and we will not EVER give up. In fact, we KNOW without even the shadow of a doubt that our God is greater than ANY cancer, any tumor, or any issue Janet faces. Regardless of what the situation looks like, we KNOW that God IS in control. His hands are clearly seen in just about every aspect of this journey. That’s not to say that Him being in control makes it any easier to deal with — but it does make it easier to walk through. We don’t LIKE the situation Janet is in right now, but we do trust God 100% with her situation, and her very life. All of our lives. Her life, and her battle with cancer is part of a bigger story – one bigger than her, than us, or than anyone can imagine. I have that faith. What exactly that means, I do not know. However, I do know that I am grateful to have the strength that comes from the living God we trust. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I refuse to allow the fear (like I’ve said before) to rob and steal the joy from today.

For those of you inclined to pray, know that your thoughts and prayers are valued.

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May8

Learning To Love The Lemonade

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Have you heard the age-old saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” or have you been fortunate enough to not hear that comment at every turn – especially when life isn’t so awesome!? Don’t get me wrong. I believe this statement is a good thing to remember – to look at the bright side, and not always dwell on the “lemons” that life hurls towards you.

I’d like to share somewhat of a life update, and give you a very practical update on how you can enjoy the tasty lemonade, even in the middle of sour lemons!

For those unaware of our family situation, my daughter has battled a rare and aggressive brain cancer. She had a brain tumor that was surgically removed, and then followed through with six weeks of daily radiation. After the completion of radiation, she underwent a high dose chemo therapy regimen. We’re ecstatic to say that our five year old daughter has completed treatment. At the end of treatment, her MRI/scans showed no evidence of the disease. She was deemed “cancer free” and we celebrate! We have scans coming up in two weeks to verify that she remains cancer free, and no recurrence.

Watching my child fight cancer has been the single most difficult thing I have ever walked through. As such, I have also learned to CHOOSE to see the good in things…to see a bright side in a dark room. So, let me share a little story with you.

As a “cancer kid,” my daughter was connected with Make A Wish. She was given the opportunity to make a wish. She could dream big. Her wish, like so many other little kiddos, was to go to Disney World, and to get the opportunity to meet the “real” princesses. We actually just went out of town last week for Janet’s wish trip. We did not post openly, or share online until our return. We were not trying to hide anything, but rather security conscious. We opted to not share openly so our house wasn’t a target for those who would seek to do harm. We are back now, and updates – we have plenty! This post, in fact, will be a summary of how things, even amazing things like a wish trip, can sometimes not go as planned — and how you can make a conscious decisions to make the lemonade instead of sulking and drowning in the sorrows of what could have been.

I would like to take you back to the day we left. That day started off magically. Our family was picked up and escorted to the airport in a limo! The awe of it all was precious to watch. The amazement in the children’s eyes was priceless. As we were whisked away, we just enjoyed the moment. We were all together as a family, and were at the beginning of what was pegged to be a magical vacation. As we got to the airport, but before boarding the plane, we noticed a small rash on one of our son’s wrists. Nothing big, but we kept an eye on it. We thought perhaps there was a couple of bug bites. That’s all it looked like. By the time we arrived in Orlando, it had spread a bit. As we checked into our magical village, Give Kids The World, we noticed it had continued to spread. The only troubling factor was that it spread all over his entire body, the palms of his hands and soles of his feet included. That evening, we contacted his pediatrician, and were urged to go to the local emergency room. So, we went to Arnold Palmer hospital for Children. Thankfully, we met some amazing and kind people. But, true to form as it seems to go with our family and medical “issues” – they were a little bit baffled by what was going on. His lymph nodes were a bit swollen, but that was chalked up to a recent strep throat infection. He’d been on antibiotics, and initially they thought a possible medication reaction, but that seemed to be also incorrect. They made mention of leukemia and also Rocky Mountain spotted fever, but said both were extremely unlikely, as there wasn’t other tell tale symptoms accompanying his rash. They also said it would be pointless to test at that point, as he’d so recently had the strep infection. We had four different doctors, and three separate nurses come by to check him out. They were baffled, but weren’t overly concerned. That said, there wasn’t much they could do, but did give us benedryl and send us on our merry way. We were told not to go out in a whole lot of public places for at least the next day or so, and until his rash started getting better not worse. So, that is what we did. We kept him home while his sister and brother went out and about and did a few things. We had some good time to bond, and just rest and relax together. While that started our trip, that would not bring us down.

The weather. We anticipated Florida being hot and sunny. We definitely got the first half of that equation. From the moment we got off the plane, we noted how muggy and hot it was. We also surmised it would likely rain or storm soon. What we didn’t know was just how much of our trip would be covered by this kind of weather! That first evening, we had a severe thunderstorm warning, along with a flood warning. We remained safe, but that was not the most fun time ever. When there was a break, I took the munchkin (Janet’s brother) to the hospital. That next morning, she and her brother went with their daddy to have some fun. There was a playground that is a life sized Candy Land play area. They were very excited to go there, but unfortunately it was closed due to inclement weather – previous, and evidently what was to come. So, they had a variety of other mostly indoor fun.

The next day was pretty much a repeat of that first day, weather wise. There were severe storms, and lots of lightening/thunder. At this point though, we were determined to not allow the weather to get the best of us. Jeremy’s rash was looking better as well, and so we made the trip to the Disney parks. We went to Epcot to start our adventure. Unfortunately, a decent amount was closed due to the weather. This, however, would not stop us from having fun and making those special memories. We had a blast, and got to experience some pretty cool Disney magic. Again, the weather prevented some of the attractions from working. A show or two were cancelled because they were solar powered, and there just was too much cloud cover to allow for enough energy and such. No worries, we’d still keep on keeping on! That evening, we made the decision to stay until the park closed, and watch the light / fireworks show. That was spectacular. Thankfully, the weather held off long enough to really enjoy that, and to get back to the vehicle. The light show mixed with the beautiful fireworks were awesome – and just the perfect mixture of fun to put a kid TO SLEEP!! Janet was out like a light – for the majority of the show. She was exhausted. Her little body isn’t used to so much activity. She was okay, just tired. We did take lots and lots of pictures, and video recorded the entire thing. We will watch it with her later. She seemed just fine with that idea!

The next day, and for the three days that would follow, we had more storms and rain. Lots and lots of rain. In fact, the first day we saw the sun peeking out of the clouds was the day before our departure. Not to worry. We learned to sing and dance in the rain – literally and figuratively. We went to Downtown Disney. Janet went to the Bibbidy Bobbidy Boutique, where she had her makeup and nails done, and was transformed into a little princess. Her princess makeover also included having her hair done. Well, she was concerned because she has virtually no hair. That was not a worry, however. The fairy helpers were so kind and had the perfect wig to complete her beautiful new look. She got to be princess Aurora as Sleeping Beauty. To watch her excitement through the process brought (happy) tears to my eyes. She knows without even the shadow of a doubt that she is beautiful, inside and out — and that hair isn’t the make or break point in being beautiful. She did, however, quite enjoy the wig and new look. She enjoyed the glamour and excitement of being a princess. She got to wear her wig, new dress and wand around for all to see. She even perfected the princess wave. That lasted for approximately ten minutes – until the wig was scratchy, and she wanted it off. No worries. She was beautiful beyond words, and was having fun. From there, we got to go run through the rain for a Disney princess photo shoot! We could have complained because of the crazy amount of rain, but we opted to have a good time, despite the stormy weather. She had her pictures taken without the wig, and was so happy to do so! After all, it captured HER right now…at this moment…with the fuzzy new hair she’s currently sporting.

From there, we went to a glamorous lunch. Well, that was the theory at least. In reality, it was overpriced, overcooked and not worth it. However, it was Disney, and we weren’t going to let over-priced less than exciting food ruin the rainy day. Instead, we let the kids get special drinks (Italian sodas for one, chocolate milk for one, and cranberry juice for the princess) and just enjoyed each other’s company.

The next day, we went to Universal Studios. We figured that would be a great place when the weather was still supposed to be rainy. We were told most of the attractions were either inside or under cover. And they were. It was the distance BETWEEN them that made us realize that it may or may not have been the best option. It was fine, however. We got to go on several rides and saw several attractions. There will be lots of pictures and videos to come. There were only a few rides that we took that Janet could not ride, due to being little. With this said, it was likely for the best because she’s too young to enjoy or not be scared by some of them anyway. We were able to just relax and spend time together as a family.

The following day was spent at Disney’s Magic Kingdom. One thing that I was determined we’d share as a family was “It’s a Small World” ride/attraction. I did that with my family when I was very little, and I wanted to share this magical experience with my own family. So, that was actually the first thing we decided to do at Magic Kingdom. We boarded the boat, and had a thrilling and relaxing little adventure. Janet lit up, and was in awe of every part of the ride. Her brothers even had a great time! When she was looking one direction, and her brothers thought she was in danger of missing something – they’d make sure she turned to look. We have lots of pictures, and also video from that experience as well. From there, we went to the big carousel. She and her brothers all wanted to ride a horsey. On our way to the entrance, we ran into a princess. She met Janet, and learned that we were there for her Make A Wish trip, and she took us just across the patio area to a very special spot – with the Magic Kingdom castle as a backdrop. That was neat. She had an onlooker use my phone to capture the picture, so I could be IN the picture WITH the kiddos. That was so neat. We then rode the merry go round. From there, we went to the Princess autograph and picture taking adventure. Janet got to meet the princess from Frozen, as well as Aurora. It was very neat for her, and for all of us. Pictures, of course, are coming! We went on lots of rides that day, and spent much quality time together. The kids all really enjoyed both Thunder Mountain and then Splash Mountain. After that, and to conclude our fun for the day, we took the train back to Main Street, so as to experience seeing the park from the train as a vantage point. That was also a neat experience.

Walking. Together, we did lots of walking. (We did have a stroller to use for Janet, and she was allowed to have her stroller function as a wheelchair when needed because she lacked enough energy to do a full day of fun, much less walking.) That came in quite handy, truth be told. There were times she wanted to be strolled, and there were times she wanted to be held/carried. There were not that many times that she actually wanted to walk. That was okay though…we took turns holding her, or letting her ride. Through it all, we were grateful to be there, and for the opportunity that had been afforded to our family.

Our final day, we had a flight late in the day, so decided to make one more adventuresome day. We went to Sea World. Though we didn’t have a full day, we got to see dolphins and flamingos. In all honesty, we weren’t able to go on a lot of rides, as Janet was too small for much of it, and we didn’t want to be drenched. So, we just enjoyed the surrounding area of the park, relaxed at an underground cove, and watched dolphins from below ground. That was a really cool experience.

Sadly, it was time to head to our departure. I wish I could tell you that it was an exciting time. The airlines welcomed us as a Make A Wish family, and that was neat. We had help when needed, and finally got to our gate for departure. As soon as we took our bathroom break, and got to our gate, it was time to board. We boarded and got comfortable. One disappointing thing we discovered when we landed was that one of our carry on bags had been misplaced, and likely left at the departure gate in Orlando. So, that was lovely. It was an important carry on, and included the kids and my medications. Thankfully, we have extras, and have filed the report to hopefully be reunited with our missing bag soon. We’re hoping this is a quick process. There were meds, kids toys, and some spare clothing in that mix. After baggage claim, a nice man greeted us, and took us off to the limo. We completed our Make A Wish trip with a limo ride home. It was beautiful, neat, and overall – amazing. We weren’t happy the magical trip had concluded, but were extremely happy to see our home.

That was until we walked inside. It was fine…or at least seemed that way. As we flushed the toilet, and attempted to refill my water bottle. It was at this moment that we discovered that the water had been cut off in our absence. We had made the payment online, and instead of that working, it evidently hadn’t gone through after all. So, yeah – that was a lovely welcome home surprise. Again, it was another opportunity to sip on the freshly squeezed lemonade. First thing this morning, we contacted the water company, and needed to go in person to make the payment. They assured us it would be turned on quickly, and apologized for the welcome home the way that it was! It wasn’t a bad transaction, and connecting with them wasn’t a hard process. It was annoying to have to go through, but hey – now we have water again. As we were trying to get them paid, we noted that the card we were using was denied. It turns out that having fraud protection is a great thing. Since there was questionable activity (we traveled outside our home and adjoining states) our accounts were temporarily frozen. I do say it was good to have this, because we realized that if our stuff had actually been stolen, having that protection in place is priceless. Just not when trying to get life back to normal, and payments processed! Not to worry, we did get that all taken care of. Now we have water again!

What was truly beautiful was watching our kids have fun – together – without the worry or concern of radiation, chemo or a hospital stay. Just watching my little girl, and her brothers be KIDS…kids being kids….that was and is priceless. So, while life gave us lemons, we enjoyed the lemonade.

I’d like to personally say thank you for the continued thoughts and prayers surrounding Janet, this trip, and our entire family. We are sincerely grateful for each and every person who connects with this blog and also Janet’s Facebook page. (Found at http://www.facebook.com/prayingforlittlejanet)

Sep11

Not Being Alone – Grateful For Phils Friends

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Something I continue to talk about is not being alone. This journey is so much easier to walk through knowing there are others who love our four year old (and us) and care. From the very beginning, I determined this is nothing I was willing to do alone, or to allow her to do alone.

As such, we were blessed to be able to connect with an organization that reaches out to cancer patients of all ages. This organization, Phil’s Friends has been instrumental in blessing SO many people, or family included. Phil, who started Phils Friends after his own fight with cancer not once, but twice, has a heart of gold. His testimony is such an inspiration to us. God’s love and peace was so much a part of his healing, of his story, he started this organization with the hopes of reaching others who are struggling with this. His faith was strengthened through this process, and he aims to share the same strength and hope with anyone through this organization.

A few weeks ago, Janet received a care package from Phils Friends. I posted pictures at the time. It came at the perfect timing. In the times since, we’ve aligned with this organization to help them share hope in any way possible. They have brought Janet (and countless others) so many smiles. Smiles do a body good!!

Anyway, that said – Phil was in town with his family this past weekend. Janet and I had the honor of meeting him and his family. There were hugs and many smiles. In the picture, you’ll see a semi-funny picture not seemingly related. It just shows Phil’s heart. My air was low in my tire, so he insisted that he help me – as he wanted to make sure we were safe. So, he helped out. So, I had to take a picture. Anyway, Phil actually brought a special care package for Janet to give to one of her special new friends at the hospital. What better time, cause her next inpatient stay starts tomorrow!

I would consider it an honor if you would repost and/or share this with anyone in your sphere of influence. Go to their page, like it, and let them know we sent you! More than that, let others know about them. You can find out more at their website as well.  If you aren’t local, they will mail care packages out. If you know anyone who could use some love and hope, please connect them with the page. If you feel inclined to sponsor or help in any other way, please also connect with them. If absolutely nothing else, please pray for them as they reach out to others.

Sep10

September Is _______ Awareness Month!!

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If you turn on your computer, do a random search about causes, you’ll find it’s an awareness month for different things. This month, September is known to be a month to bring awareness to two very important things. You see, September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, but it is also Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month.

I wrote the following on Facebook last night:

What’s on my mind. Awareness. As you all know, or have come to read from my cover photo, September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month. Clearly, this is a cause near but not so dear to my heart. It affects so many people, our family included. I never, in a million years, saw myself making that statement. Let’s remember all those affected in some way, shape or form by this. Do what you can to raise awareness, and also to take action on behalf/honor of those who have lost battles, but also for those fighting, and those yet to fight this battle. Each child is precious.

Something else on my mind is awareness for something else. Suicide. As you may know from previous cover photos and many status updates – suicide is also something not unfamiliar to me. Did you know that September is also Suicide Prevention Month. Suicide is something else that holds way too many statistics. As you know, this is another topic that is near but again, not so dear to my heart. What I can tell you is that suicide is a real problem, and is a problem needing to be talked about. We need to do our parts as individuals and as groups to erase the stigma attached to this. Mental illness is very real, and is no laughing matter. Again, something I’m familiar with. If you know someone who is struggling, do NOT let them struggle in silence. Don’t let them tell you they’re okay when you know they’re not. Don’t let that fake smile be enough to say they’re okay. Dig deeper. Grow friendships more than skin deep. Be the friend you need in others.

No matter what your battle, or what you are struggling with, please KNOW that you are NOT alone. There is not a human being alive that needs to walk through life alone – through cancer, depression, etc. Don’t do it. Let others in. You are loved. Hope is real.

That is EXACTLY how I feel. This life is full of so many uncertainties. Nothing is guaranteed, and tomorrow isn’t promised. However, no matter WHAT curveballs life throws your way – NEVER lose hope. You are absolutely NOT alone!

If you’d like to connect and discuss either of these topics, you can feel free to contact me directly via “contact me” page, or you can post in comments. I look forward to continued dialog.

Sep6

With Heartfelt Gratitude – Introducing Shiloh Chiropractic

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Normally,  you won’t find me spotlighting a particular company or business.  The truth of the matter is this – Shiloh Chiropractic is so much more than just a business.  Once you take the time to get to know them, you’ll soon realize they are more like a happy (with a hint of crazy) family. They are so much more than a doctors office or any medical practice. They are real people with lives, families and hearts of gold.  Let me tell you a little but about how we came to know and love these people.

If you have read my blog before, you have undoubtedly heard at some point that I have a for year old daughter who is fighting a rare and aggressive cancer. During our hospital stay after her brain surgery, we were introduced to Make A Wish. That was a defining moment in this journey. Her diagnosis became very real right then and there. Of course, it was already much more real than we card to think about. However, to hear you’re child is qualified for Make A Wish just kinda does something inside you. Without dwelling on that though, I’d like to share a bit about how this process has become so much easier to walk through and deal with.

As our family meet with the team of wish granters, the process unfolded in a way that we were totally at peace. The team explained that one of them had been a part of this one chiropractors office that had recently sponsored a child with Make A Wish. In fact, the office had voice the desire to reach out and share hope in a real way with another child. They were seeking to bless another wish kid. They asked if we’d be interested in meeting the office to see if we wanted them to help with Janet’s wish. Absolutely. The next day we met the office staff that would become very much a part of our lives.

We met them, and instantly felt at ease, and at peace. These were people we could tell cared. They cared not only about Janet, but also about our whole family. They have truly connected with Janet, and with all of our family. They are sponsoring her dream to become a princess and meet princesses at Disney World. They will help that dream become a reality for her. While we are absolutely grateful for that, we have hearts of gratitude for many more reasons. They have not only become Janet’s sponsor, but also chiropractic care as well.

The funny thing is, is I wasn’t actively seeking chiropractic care for me. I had looked around previously, but never really felt comfortable or like it was time to start it again. I say again because I know the value and benefit of chiropractic care – even though it had been over a decade since I’d had that. I now know why I never connected with another office here locally. It was for such a time as this. I have always said that things sometimes just happen in their own timing, in the right timing, and for a purpose. There is always a purpose.

As unsure of a journey we are now walking, there are things in our lives that absolutely make the journey not only bearable, but peaceful. Truth be told, this office is that for us. They are helping Janet’s wish become a reality, but also helping in so many other ways.

I’d like to dive in and take a look at the office staff that makes up Shiloh Chiropractic. From each doctor, down to every single member of the staff, these people are awesome. They operate with care and compassion, and have flexibility as well. (A characteristic we’ve come to value much in recent history!) I mentioned this before, but they absolutely do have hearts of gold. They care about each individual who walks through their doors. I can honestly say – from my own experience, and from talking to other patients while in the office – they have a welcoming atmosphere that promotes the ability to rest, relax and rejuvenate – to be like an oasis. I feel like a welcomed guest, not just a number in some records somewhere that walks in. They seem to genuinely care about what they do, and about people – and it shows. They ask how you are doing, or how your day is going – and they care enough to listen to your reply. They give you the time you need, while also being there for many other patients through the course of the day.

It is with heartfelt gratitude that I say thank you to all of Shiloh Chiropractic for being who they are, and for all they do. We are sincerely grateful.

Aug15

The Hardest Kind Of Prayer To Pray

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If someone were to ask you if praying is hard for you, what would you say? I don’t know about you, but sometimes prayer time is hard for me. It is, simply because I’m learning that my will and God’s will don’t always coincide. The things I want sometimes aren’t what is His will. So, for me at least, I’ve identify one of the hardest kinds of prayers to pray as the UNSELFISH prayer – the one where you ask for God’s will to be done, and actually mean it.

I have a “for instance” example, as a carry over from yesterday’s post really. My daughter is fighting a rare and aggressive cancer. We are about to go to the hospital where she will be admitted for chemo therapy. She is four. I don’t get it, and certainly don’t understand why. When I pray, my prayer has been for her healing. For her to be cancer free, and not live with any amount of cancer in her body. None. However, I have also been praying all this is according to God’s will. A service at church, in combination with some sweet heartfelt words from a friend, made me dig deeper and realize that His will and mine aren’t always the same. Well, no kidding. However, if I pray for His will, I better accept and understand that it may not go the way I want. In this particular case, that may mean that my child may not live to adulthood. That is a heartbreaking and sobering thought on the one hand. However, on the other hand, there is great joy in realizing that she’ll get to commune with Jesus – that she would get to lay her head on His lap, and rest in the arms of Jesus. Something purely peaceful and joyous about that. I DO NOT want this as our story, BUT if it is to happen, I’ve realized that it’s best to not live in dread or fear of it.

I encourage you to pray with diligence. Ask and believe for God’s will to be done. There is nothing wrong with hoping that His will DOES match up with yours, but understand that it may not always. During the times that His will and yours aren’t the same, take a moment and pray for peace in the process. It won’t always be easy, but it will be rewarding. It is hard to see peace or joy when your situation seems hopeless, but I assure you – it is possible.

I encourage you to surround yourself with people who care about you, and who are willing to walk through life with you – through whatever you are facing. When you are struggling, or just don’t know how to handle the situation, pray. Ask others for help. Never be afraid to reach out. Help is there. Hope is real.

Please feel free to connect with me. You can send me a message via the “contact me” link, or by leaving a comment below. I monitor all methods of contact.

Aug14

Denial – That Land That Leads To Hurting And Hope

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Recently, I have had much time to thing. Ponder things. One such thing includes the much sought after question – WHY!?

The other day, I was having a particularly emotional day. I talked with several people – just because I have found the value in both connecting as well as asking for help. The help, in this case, was pretty much in the form of prayer. Nothing would change the exact scenario at hand, but prayer would bring the peace and courage to face it.

As I was chatting with a friend, I was speaking about my daughter. A friend of ours is also young (she’s 10) and fighting a battle with cancer. She is losing that battle, and has only been given a short time of life left this side of Heaven. That was particularly hard for me. I looked at the similarities with my daughter’s cancer and it got to me. My heart was broken, realizing the possibility that lies ahead with us. As I was chatting with my friend, it was noted that when I spoke about this, I simply could not talk about the possibility of her dying. I would mention it and say that “things might not go how we want” or “if one day she doesn’t make it” but it was pointed out that I didn’t seem able to face it head on and talk about it. My friend asked what I thought would help to get to the point where I could look at her situation, see similarities in other situations that might not be going well, and not get upset. How could I watch a friend with a daughter who is dying, and not let it bring me down to the point that it’s depressing because I liken it to our own situation.

It was a hard thing to ponder, much less identify. I did come to the realization that I was attempting to live in a land of denial. In my head, I realized that the cancer she is dealing with does not hold a good prognosis. She may or may not live and have the opportunity to grow up. However, I never have really dwelt on that. Nor had I ever allowed it go to from my head to my heart. I only saw it as a possibility. What I did not see it as was a possible reality. I had some pretty in depth conversations. Just looking at the facts, and realizing there is a possibility she could die was extremely hard. However, it has been helpful in that way to not live in denial. To not think and dwell on it to a point it brings me down is hard, but necessary. Well, it’s not necessary to dwell, so much as realize the possibility.

One huge thing for me to realize – even though I knew it – was that just because another child is dying (or even that seven or more children die every single day) as a result of childhood cancer, does not mean that will be the end of our story. Yes, my four year old daughter could die. However, having cancer is NOT an automatic death sentence.

The hardest part is to realize that death is a possibility. It is hard to fathom, and impossible to understand. However, just because it is possible doesn’t make it probable. We will pray for God’s will. I seriously hope His will includes her being completely healed – from the inside out. I hope His will includes her living, not dying – and going on to grow up and live a long life. I will not, however, live in fear and dread of the opposite. If, for whatever reason, my daughter does not “win” this battle with cancer the way we want to see it won, it does not mean God isn’t in control. My faith and prayer is for her healing. I pray that healing takes place while she is on earth. If not, my joy will come from knowing she beat me to Heaven, and will be able to spend time and be in the arms of Jesus. That’s actually a sweet and heartwarming thought. No, I don’t want it to happen, and I’m certainly not rushing to get there myself. It’s just a beautiful thought when you are able to look at death as not the final goodbye, and instead as the next segment of a beautiful journey in a different place.

If you are facing this, or any other similar medical diagnosis and just don’t know how to handle it, please feel free to connect with me. I have, by no means, got this all figured out. What I do have is peace. I have peace knowing that the outcome isn’t guaranteed – good or bad. I have peace knowing that my life, the life of every member of my family, is in His hands. The maker of the entire universe has us in His hands.

Regardless of your situation, I pray you can come to know the same peace. May the God of all creation hold you today.

Aug12

An Internal Look At Why I Write What I Do

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Lately, I have talked a great deal about – even in the midst of life’s storms – seeing the good things, and enjoying life. No matter what situation you’re in, and what path of life you’re walking, I want you to have joy. I don’t want you to walk through it alone. In fact, I consider it an honor to walk through life with you.

That said, I’d like to take another internal look at the “why” behind the things I write. I feel like being authentic with an added layer of transparency is the only way to go. Those of you who know me, know I’ve struggled with this concept for a long time. It is a concept that makes me wonder what you will think if you know the truth. If you really know ME, would you still like me? Of course you would, because I’m awesome.

While I joke, I’m absolutely serious. That’s just the thing. It had been a long time struggle. To a degree, it still is. The point in my life I’m at right now, though, is how I react to said insecurities. Right now, I have learned to love myself. I have learned to see myself as a much loved child of the creator of the Heavens and the earth. I am a child of God, and thus what you think will not change who I am. As a side note, I DO care what you think, but I will not let it dictate my character.

NOW, that was a little bunny trail. I’m writing to you today to simply be real. To let you know a few things about what makes me tick. I have written a decent deal about fighting this rare, aggressive cancer with my four year old daughter lately. It’s been a huge part of my life, and the lives of those close to us. That said, I want to also stress that just because our daughter is the center of the universe right now, and that everything does seem to center around her care, it’s not all that exists. Good and bad. Everything that was there prior to her diagnosis is still there. Her siblings are still there, loving as always. I am still struggling with the roller coaster ride that accompanies bipolar disorder. I’m dealing with taking care of that while I take care of her too. As a side note, that is actually under control well right now. It became an issue where I learned that it’s okay to not always be okay. It’s okay to struggle, and it’s okay to need help sometimes. It’s okay for me, and it’s okay for you. If I’m able to take care of me, I can take care of the children as well. Even though cancer hit our family, everything else we deal with didn’t just magically disappear.

Those are physical and mental struggles and things I deal with. I’d also like to talk a little bit about my faith. Without regard to any situation (cancer or otherwise) that I find myself walking, I maintain a faith in a God larger than life. It is through Him that I have strength – even in the midst of some of life’s darkest storms. I live by the following thoughts: God is still God. God is still good, and He IS in control. No matter what the outcome is, and no matter where the varied paths lead, my trust is in Him.

Things that can, are put on the virtual back burner. There are things, however, that just don’t wait – even if life is crazy or centers around hospitals, doctors, chemo, cancer, etc. What will NOT happen, however, is it will not win. Cancer will not destroy our family. What I will do, though, is ask for your continued support and prayers. They absolutely mean the world. PLEASE do not hesitate to ask how I am, or how any other member of my family is. We all enjoy connecting, and don’t want to let this whole situation put who we are on hold…well, on hold for longer than it needs to be.

I’m pretty sure this blog post is pointless. It says nothing of real substance, but it will give you an inside look at me, and the “why” behind much of what I write. With that said, more of it will make sense on upcoming days, as I sort through all that is on my heart and in my mind to share.

Thanks for standing with me on this and all the different paths I walk. If you have any questions, or would like to make any comments, please feel free to post below in comment, or send a message via my “contact me” link. I look forward to connecting.

Aug11

Don’t Allow Life To Become Too Busy

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Is your life hectic – a day to day compilation of so many things life throws at you?  Do you often feel like there simply aren’t enough hours in any given day? Yes, me too!  You’re certainly not alone.  What I’d like to do here today is challenge how you handle this situation in your own life.

I’d like to encourage (more like implore) you to slow down.  Learn to take joy in things again. Make the most of however many moments you’re given. Take time to just enjoy life.  No matter what your story is, or what journey you’re walking, take the time to find the good.  Celebrate it.  Make it last.  Treasure the memory.

To those of you new to my blog, welcome.  Please allow me to share a little bit about my story, and why this is so heavy on my heart.

My four year old daughter is currently fighting a rare and aggressive cancer. We honestly do not know what the future holds, though we proclaim by faith that she is healed and is (and remains) completely cancer free.  She had a brain tumor surgically removed, and has had six weeks of daily radiation therapy and will be starting chemo this week.  I do not share that with you to beg for sympathy,  but instead to share my thoughts – and the validity of why I’m saying what I do.

Having a critically ill child has had quite an impact on our family.  It hasn’t all been negative though.  Please don’t think that I’m saying I’m happy with a brain tumor/cancer diagnosis with my child.  Far from it.  However, I have been able to take a step back and realize that good can be found in the midst of any storm, this included.

What I’d further like to share are my convicting thoughts here.  It shouldn’t take something of this magnitude to make you (collective you, with myself in mind) appreciate life.  It shouldn’t take a bald little girl with a smile that melts your heart to make you realize just how precious life truly is.  Take time to enjoy life, and don’t allow yourself to become so busy that you don’t enjoy life.  Let those who you love know it.  Tell them.  Hug them.  Spend time with them as you’re able.  Make time. Love like tomorrow won’t come. Have fun. Be you and allow others to be themselves.  Be authentic.

If you take nothing else away from my words here today, take this thought with you: life is precious. Make the most of it. You never truly know when tomorrow may not come. Live life.

May17

God Is Still Good…Even When My Heart Hurts

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I’m going to level with you. Right now, things are very difficult. My heart is heavy at times, and it hurts. A couple of friends asked me how I was doing today. My response was simple. I’m a bit sad today. To be honest with everyone, everything going on right now has become very hard for me to wrap my mind around. There are so many variables. There are so many unknowns. When I think of everything, it just makes me sad. When I realize how much we know, which is surrounded by how much we don’t know, I just shake my head at times. When I do even the slightest amount of research, or hear of what some of the possible prognosis might be for my daughter, my heart sinks. This, my friends, is reality.

However, all hope is not gone. Even though much of my thought process above appears negative, it doesn’t rule me. Yes, my heart feels broken at times. But, there is much hope. I want you to know that my faith is not gone. I rest on these things I know as FACTS. God is still God. God is still Good. God IS still in control. We may not have a definitive diagnosis, or even know what’s going on with my daughter, but God – and evidently God alone – does. With that in mind, my complete trust is in Him. Yes, I am believing God for complete healing…for a miracle. I also realize that healing comes in many forms. No matter what the situation at hand looks like, I know with complete certainty that God is in control. He knows the answers, and He knows every aspect of what is needed for her medical care.

I guess the point I am making is this — no matter what the situation, or how much I hurt, I KNOW God is the answer. My faith in a God larger than life is what sustains me right now. I’m physically and mentally exhausted at times, but God’s love poured out (often through His people) is like a breath of fresh air.

Thank you for your continued prayers for my daughter, and for our entire family. They are absolutely needed, as well as greatly appreciated!

(For those curious, we’ll update shortly on more specifics of what’s going on and where we stand with everything. Just taking things one day at a time right now.)